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Friday, February 22 2019 / Published in Sidelines Spotlight

Cliques Versus True Friendship

Margie Sugarman
Photo by Lauri Foster

By Margie Sugarman

Margie Sugarman is a leading board-certified psychotherapist and sports consultant based in New York. Margie’s desire is to enhance performance through the connection between the mind and body, and her current client list includes Olympic, professional and amateur athletes across the country. Her experience employing various therapeutic modalities has helped equestrians win classics, junior medals and grand prix. Do you have a question you want Margie to answer? Send questions to editor@sidelinesnews.com.

I’ve noticed that some of the children at my daughter’s barn are forming friend groups and not everyone is included. As the girls have gotten older, I’ve noticed cliques are forming and I’m concerned they’re impacting our barn culture. How can we help those children who are not accepted by the dominant group?

As an example, I’d like to relate an incident that a mother recently related to me:

You’re at the barn just walking around the ring on your horse before your lesson. Three teens enter the ring involved in a rather intense conversation. You pick up bits and pieces of their gossiping about another peer who they sometimes ride and show with at the barn. Your trainer comes in and begins to set up some fences at the same time the “other” young lady walks in on her horse. The three girls — the quintessential small clique — laugh and then suddenly quiet down. The girl who entered knows she was the topic of their conversation. Nonetheless, she slowly rides over to them as smirks take over their faces and an air of superiority surrounds them.

Anyone who has ever gone to school knows about cliques — and it’s often these social groups that can be the source of anxiety in children as well as adolescents. Barns can be a breeding ground for the development of this type of group. Cliques are a different type of peer group than jocks, preps or nerds, which are reputation-based groups.

Cliques are tight groups that usually have a code of membership and a specific way to act. For example, the people in a clique may try to make it seem as though the individuals (members) are better than those not in the clique.

People in these groups sometimes direct their efforts toward intentionally hurting others by being cruel. They can often be insulting by targeting people outside their clique (who might want to be part of the group) and trying to change or fix them, laughing at them and/or ridiculing them.

In barn culture, clique behavior can manifest itself after shows where everyone seemed to get along. What about all the laughing and fun the girls were having at the show Saturday and followed that up Sunday morning with intentionally ignoring that one girl and not inviting her to go on the trail ride? The clique behavior can change at the drop of a hat.

Think about the various personalities at a barn. There are the more aggressive and verbal adolescents; the passive, compliant adolescents; and the introverted, desirous adolescents. Cliques give people who like to take control a chance to lead and people who like to follow the opportunity to do so.

Barns have their own personalities and those personalities are impacted by the individuals who spend their time there.

Trainers can sometimes find it challenging when clique issues are brought to their attention. Because of the discrete way in which some of these groups work, a trainer might not be aware of the interactions, or possibly dismiss the behaviors described by an impacted student. Clique leaders can be manipulative, and often know how to present themselves in a very positive way. This sometimes makes accusations even tougher for the adult(s) in charge to acknowledge. Because no group leader feels absolutely secure, they often use tools like flattery, rumors and forms of manipulation to maintain their status and conceal their behaviors from adults. Consequently, it can sometimes be difficult to support the perceptions of the victim.

Cliques can make life tough — whether you’re on the inside or the outside.

Should you find yourself faced with having to deal with clique behavior, there are some important things to remember:

  • Keep your options open. Cliques can be very controlling and impact your ability to dress as you choose, think as you’d like and behave according to your beliefs. Understanding that clique members get their strength from one another, and they are usually insecure as individuals, can help limit their controlling influence over you.
  • Stay involved in things you enjoy. Find a sense of belonging by sharing your interests and gaining a sense of being valued by others. Interact with individuals (at the barn) that don’t travel as part of a clique.
  • Think for yourself. Don’t be subjected to others’ beliefs if they aren’t your own. Respect yourself.

Life changes. People who are caring, trustworthy, honest, respectful, thoughtful, kind and giving make the best friends. Give what you want to get back, and always strive to stay true to yourself.

Cliques will come and go, but true friendships can last a lifetime.

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Tagged under: margie sugarman, Sports Psychology

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Marie Meyers has been around the world because of Marie Meyers has been around the world because of dressage, but it’s her farm in Moorpark, California, that has captured her heart. The farm and the business that thrives there represent Marie’s lifelong journey—a journey made up of good friends, spectacular horses and relationships made to last.

Marie was raised in Southern California, and spent her childhood playing just about every sport under the sun, but she didn’t discover riding until she was 14 years old. “I loved animals so much, so I started taking lessons. I did jumping at first, but I was very bad at that, for sure!” Marie laughed.

After some time, Marie moved on to take lessons at Foxfield Riding Academy and began riding dressage. “I fell into dressage by accident,” Marie said, “At the beginning, I thought it was extremely boring, but then I got hooked. By the time I graduated from high school, I had plans to travel to England to work for Franz Rochowansky, a former head of the Spanish Riding School.”

In 1988, Marie’s hard work paid off, and the pair was selected as alternates for the 1988 Summer Olympic Games. “They didn’t take the alternates that year, so we didn’t go to Seoul, but the experience, the training and the European Tour afterwards set me up for the 1990 World Equestrian Games in Stockholm, Sweden,” Marie said.

In addition to having success representing her country, Marie was busy with her life—marriage, a business, teaching lessons and clinics. 

Learn more about Marie in this month's edition of Sidelines Magazine. Click the link in our bio for more 🦄

📸Photos by Lindsey Long Equine Photography, www.lindseylong.com

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We are starting a ‼️new series‼️ here on o We are starting a ‼️new series‼️ here on our socials where we share some of the lovely stallions, and their breeders featured in each month's magazine. Our first feature on this #STUDSunday is...

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You can find ALL of the stallions featured towards the back of the magazine in the equestrian gallery. Keep a look out EVERY Sunday for a new handsome STUD muffin🧁 and don't forget to subscribe to get your very own edition of Sidelines Magazine, the magazine for horse people, about horse people 🦄

📸  SAS Equestrian
‼️ROB JACOBS COLUMN‼️ The purpose of this ‼️ROB JACOBS COLUMN‼️

The purpose of this month’s column is to help the young equestrians of our sport develop and maintain healthy friendships within the industry. Cultivating healthy relationships with other members within the industry is not as easy as one may think. As a young equestrian, it may be difficult navigating friendships at the barn and at horse shows. Typically, kids have friendships within the barn they ride at but also friendships with others from different barns in their area. 

Initially, it may seem as though making other friends in the sport would be easy and ideal; after all, there is the common interest of horses. However, because of the natural therapeutic benefits of horses, the sport has a history of attracting all types of people, with a wide range of personalities. This can be both an advantage and a drawback. We are now in an era that acknowledges the growing need to discuss and manage one’s mental health. 

One thing I have learned is that we are likely to notice mental health challenges at an age younger than most people may think. Some of the friendship dynamics I have observed over the years have caused me to pause and really think about the future of our sport. Without looking for a source to blame for the cause of this, i.e. social media, parents, school, teachers, etc., I think if all adults involved worked to encourage, affirm, love, and respect our youth, the likelihood of them developing authentic friendships with their peers may increase.

Both humans and horses were designed to have connected relationships. These relationships allow a greater sense of security when one experiences challenges in life. Cultivating the quality and authenticity of these relationships requires intentional work. 

Thank you Rob for providing your helpful insight on developing healthy relationships. Check out his tips in his column you can find in the link in our bio.
Never miss a story by subscribing to Sidelines Magazine🦄 

Photo by Blenheim Equisports

#horse #horses #horsesofinstagram #equestrian #horseriding #equine #hunterjumper #equestrianlife #horselove #dressage #sidelinesmagzine
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